Dream home.

With all of the hullaballoo of our building getting bought and now gutted of all the other tenants, I'm getting worried. I'm bracing myself for the near future of contractors and regular emails about visitors to our apartment. We didn't get the hint when they bought our building that they wanted us out. And now that the lease is signed and everyone else is moving out by the end of the month, it feels too late to turn back. We've been prettying up the place, making room for Mike in October, but I can't help but start looking forward to one year from now when Mike and I can start looking for a place of our own. With all of our trips around New England, it's become a little game to pick out our favorite parts of the houses we see. I had a field day this past weekend in Westerly, RI, which is way out of 99.9% of America's price range, but a girl can dream. You can check out these images and my other ideas of an ideal home at my Pinterest or at My Ideal Home, where I pretty much love everything.

We've started compiling a list of things our dream home would have, which includes but is not limited to:

I want to go to the beach.

The coworker chat in the office this morning is about upcoming vacations. We have a loose vacation policy (pretty much, take it when you want it) at work, which ends up me feeling timid and scared to take any substantial time off. I end up taking random Fridays off every now and then. But I'm having a serious hankering for a week of nothing but sleeping in, reading in the grass, roadtripping to the beach, and finally making it out to Six Flags and Mass Moca instead of just talking about it. Mike doesn't know what he's in for tonight: Sitting down with a calendar and planning out the rest of the summer to make sure we squeeze all its juice out before it's dry. 

Today I'm thankful for borrowing Mike's car to work, suburban swimming pools, Herrell's groupons, game nights, and buses from Boston to Western Mass. Happy Monday! 

Image of Singing Beach via

On inspiration for your aspiration.

"I feel like I haven’t found my calling yet. I feel like I’m a fish floundering on land, unsure of where to go but knowing that this current place isn’t it. Sometimes I don’t think I have a place. Sometimes I’m pretty sure I have about 20 places and it’s on me to find out which one fits at the exact moment I needed it and to know when it’s time to move on or return to an old place."

That's from Ashley at the blog after nine to five today. That quote describes what I was crying into my pillow and at my roommate last night. It started with finding out my boyfriend wouldn't be able to make it to the book bloggers event I'm presenting at tonight, and snowballed into an all out cry out about how my life isn't what I want it to be and how my fear keeps me from doing what I love and want to do. I couldn't have said it better, and definitely didn't say it any better last night with snot on my face. So, here's to learning, growing, and overcoming fears and negativity by sharing them and letting them go, getting smaller until they are a dot in the atmosphere like a released balloon. And, as Spock says:

Dream, dream, dream.

The sun is out today! It's chilly and windy, but not too much of either, just refreshing. Got to work a little early today, I've got my coffee and the last few pages I've read in Joyce Carol Oates' memoir A Widow's Story swirling around in my head.

I've been thinking more about ambitions. I had a funky day yesterday, and I know that it's tied directly to my feeling stuck - in my career and financial situations. My horoscope today said that I can't logistically follow every ambition I have, so I should ruminate before choosing the one I actually want. Funny how those things can be spot on sometimes.

So today, rather than choosing which path to follow, I want to lay them all out, like clothes on a bed, just to see what they look like:

• Bakery owner. I want to make semi-healthy treats that people can enjoy on a rainy day, a sunny day in the park, or at a holiday celebration. I love experimenting with sweets, and I'd love to be able to do that for a living.
• English and Literature teacher. I studied Writing, Literature, and Publishing, and reading/writing fiction will always be my main passion. I've said before that my dream job is any job where I can read and talk about what I've read. I'd be so down to be that nerdy teacher who gushes about books.
• Librarian. Eeeee! This one reflects that last one as well, especially since I'd love to be a librarian in a school, however sparse these job opportunities are these days. Perhaps I'm romanticizing, but I'd love to be a part of kids' experience with books.
• Fiction Editor. Whether at a literary magazine or at a publishing company, the idea of reading new writers' work and fighting for their publication or sending them feedback, the thought makes my ginny tickle. TMI?

Well, that's it for now. I just have to work on getting that pared down a bit. And there's my ongoing side-career of writing fiction that goes hand-in-hand with whatever I decide to do.

What does your list look like? Or, if you already have your dream job, what is it/what's your secret?

Today, the rain came.

I've been thinking about letters a lot lately. Modern conveniences like gchat are a wonder at keeping me in touch with friends who have moved away. We are able to share the mundanities of our lives, creating a closeness and immediacy in friendships not available before. But there is still a place and a purpose for handwritten letters. My friend Crysty and I think of them as journal entries that we send away. Writing letters allows you to pause, reflect, and through a one-sided, meandering conversation, truly connect with and reveal yourself to the other person. Daily meals and fleeting worries fall away; what is left is solid and true, meaningful and private.

It rained overnight, and today it is gray outside. Cool and breezy. I relaxed a bit yesterday, had a beer with Meg after work and discussed my hesitation at revealing that I've been wanting to teach lately. I want to become a licensed teacher and teach reading to elementary students or high school English/Literature. And, strikingly, I felt so much better, just saying it. As though, by speaking it, I've brought my ambitions that much closer to realization. She spoke to her mom - who has been both a teacher and a librarian in Massachusetts - and we have a phone date in the near future. I plan to pick her brain, take notes, and (soon after) take action.

What dreams are you afraid to say aloud?