26 before 26: #9 Pay off my credit card.

Last year I took a freelance development editing job on a whim. I had been feeling unsatisfied at my job for the better part of the year, and I was itching to make a big step in my career. It wasn't just about the money, though I was feeling the stress of a significantly raised rent and a significantly stagnant salary; I didn't feel challenged on a daily basis, and I could feel my work ethic eroding with the remainder of my 24th year. I was also getting increasingly dramatic.

So when presented with the opportunity to make some bucks on the side and to add to my slightly sad resume some real publishing experience, I jumped at the chance. I knew I had no idea what I was signing up for, and I even had to Google "developmental editing" to prep myself for what lay ahead. Halfway through the gig, I got my current job, and a part of me feels that having that listed on my resume helped me to appear a little more qualified for it. I ended up stumbling through the dark on the whole project--always second-guessing what fell under my charge and what didn't--but I learned a lot about myself and what I want from my career. I was able to get a glimpse into where I work today and I think I appreciate where I am now more because of it.

Long story short, I used the loot to pay off my credit card, #9 on my 26 before 26 list. I haven't made as much headway as I'd hoped, but we all know what they say about the best laid plans.

Goodbyes.

Tomorrow is the VP of my department's last day. He's moving on, and while that's exciting news for him, it's a little bittersweet on our end. There's a bit of "restructuring" happening, and we're losing another member of our team to Corporate Marketing (doesn't that just drum up all different shades of gray and itchy suits?). She and I have been combing the web for newer and more exciting opportunities, just in case the restructure doesn't turn out to be a good fit. It's making for some interesting days, some discouraging days, and some downright frustrating days. The truth is, it's difficult to be happy where you are if you're constantly looking for another place to be. I keep struggling with figuring out what I want to do with my life that I fear I'm missing what I'm doing with my life, right now. All I know is that I want my next step to be a wise one, not one made out of fear or confusion or desperation. Luckily, I have that luxury afforded to me right now. Who would I be if I didn't take advantage of my position to make a slow and informed decision? So I'm going to take a step back, make a lot of lists, revisit my resume and my dream jobs before I make any more moves.

We also took him out to lunch and I ate way too much. Thoughts of heading home, taking off my wet socks, and curling up with some soup and Jenna are what's getting me through the rest of the afternoon.

Gifts in many shapes.

Yep, that's my man. I used to have the biggest crush on Joaquin Phoenix because of his complete vulnerability and family-man tendencies in Signs (oh please, I'm not the only one), so when I saw the resemblance at the library last week, I was thrilled. Too bad school just started and he had to shave it.

I've decided what I'm getting myself for my birthday! I just decided it, actually. I came pretty close to ordering it, but I've decided to wait for my next paycheck to make sure it's in the budge*. I can't wait to spend fall evenings sipping cocoa and listening to Bon Iver on vinyl. Or, as it will more likely turn out, making dinner and shivering in sweats because winter elbowed fall out of the way too early and listening to Bon Iver on vinyl. Either way, I'll be twenty-five. FACK.

I'm currently working on my 25 before 25 list, listening to this song on repeat, and impatiently waiting for the end of the day so I can see Mike. I just had a conference call on the development editing I'm doing, and it went really well. I finally feel caught up and firm in my footing to take a look at the manuscript. I also love using words like "manuscript"!

So remember Tuesday when I was a big, fat baby and I whined and whined and then slipped in that bit about TNGG? Well, I'm here to elaborate.

First of all, I'm stoked. TNGG is The Next Great Generation. It's us. (I'm assuming you're my age for this exercise.) We are 18-30 (for this exercise's sake); we are of a different world than our parents, but still with hints of a past largely missing from our children's (yeesh, or neices' and nephews') world. TNGG is a start-up, for all intents and purposes, building from the ground up something that we can be proud of. It's starting small-ish, but I can tell that it's going to grow because that's what our generation does: It grows things out of, seemingly, nothing at all. We are the generation of entrepreneurs in a failing economy. We don't know when to quit. And so TNGG is creating something our generation wants to read on Boston.com. That's right, my name's going to be smack dab in the middle (or, okay, over on the side-ish) of Boston.com.

And today is the official launch of TNGG Boston! (Well, it's supposed to be, but the page is empty as for now. But you can see our cool header!) So head over, check out some of the articles, and I'll be sure to keep you updated of when my articles are published.

This opportunity has popped up at such a great time in my life and career. I've been working out what I want to do with my life and all of that fun time stuff, but this is a great reminder that I don't necessarily need a plan. Often plans derail the greatest surprises. So here's to my final month as an "early 20s"-er and to many more surprises in the second half of this decade.

*That means "budget," but it's a play on words because it won't, you know, budge.**
**Imagine my income if I were a comedienne.

Food for thought.

I had my formal review at work this week. It went really well, which I figured it would, despite deep-seeded and unfounded doubts. I've been working at my company for over a year now, which puts me way farther along than I ever saw myself a year ago. Up until an internship I had last year at a marketing company, I had only ever worked at restaurants as a hostess, food runner, kitchen bitch, server, and bartender. I had found kindred spirits amongst bar staff and regulars. I read Raymond Carver and Charles Bukowski. I knew that I would only blossom as a writer if I stayed among my people; the down and out, the romantics, the off-the-beaten-paths. But secretly? Well, secretly I wanted a routine. I wanted to wake up early in the morning, my favorite time of day, and be refreshed. I wanted to hang out at coffee shops on the weekend instead of cutting fruit and mixing bloody marys. I wanted to get a paycheck direct deposited into my bank account instead of waiting for the ATM to sort through all of my cash, spitting back the tattered, folded ones and fives from the night before. I wanted to wear dresses instead of jeans, sandals instead of black sneakers, bangs instead of headbands and bobby pins. I wanted to live in the daytime, to meet other people who lived in the daytime, to use the college degree I was washing pint glasses to pay for, to lie in the grass without counting down the hours until my bar shift began.

Then one day, on one of the first sunny spring days of 2010, I headed to the bar where I'd worked for almost four years. I'd received a voicemail from my manager, something about a scheduling mix up, and decided to just go in rather than calling back. I went in, said hi to my friends that were working, then headed downstairs to the office to work out the kinks in my schedule. Two minutes later, I was told that I had a rotten attitude and that I would no longer be needed. Three minutes later I was standing in front of the bar where I'd served countless SoCo & limes, super sweet cocktails, ice waters, and tabs, and told my friends that I'd just gotten fired. I walked home, sunglasses on, sobbing to Jenna on the phone about what happened.

But even then, in the depths of rejection, confusion, and terror at not being able to pay my bills, I knew that better things were coming to me. Even as my eyes got puffy and I hyperventilated, I knew that I couldn't mourn that which I'd outgrown. While I don't believe I deserved to be fired (let's be honest, who does?), I couldn't argue that my attitude had gone downhill in the months preceding. I was restless, unhappy. I was outgrowing a shell that I'd convinced myself was the only one I'd ever get. Since being fired from my last restaurant gig, I've found a good job at a great company; I've found freelancing opportunities; I've joined a writing group, read so many books, and started a book blog; I've met a wonderful man who makes me happier than I ever thought a romantic relationship was capable; I've traveled to see friends, and aspired for more. While I still have financial fears and utter confusion as to where I see myself in five years, I have proven more capable than I give myself credit for. And that's always reason enough to keep going.

I keep this painful memory as a reminder that no matter how many circumstances I can name, usually the only thing holding me back is myself.

Image via

On inspiration for your aspiration.

"I feel like I haven’t found my calling yet. I feel like I’m a fish floundering on land, unsure of where to go but knowing that this current place isn’t it. Sometimes I don’t think I have a place. Sometimes I’m pretty sure I have about 20 places and it’s on me to find out which one fits at the exact moment I needed it and to know when it’s time to move on or return to an old place."

That's from Ashley at the blog after nine to five today. That quote describes what I was crying into my pillow and at my roommate last night. It started with finding out my boyfriend wouldn't be able to make it to the book bloggers event I'm presenting at tonight, and snowballed into an all out cry out about how my life isn't what I want it to be and how my fear keeps me from doing what I love and want to do. I couldn't have said it better, and definitely didn't say it any better last night with snot on my face. So, here's to learning, growing, and overcoming fears and negativity by sharing them and letting them go, getting smaller until they are a dot in the atmosphere like a released balloon. And, as Spock says:

Dream, dream, dream.

The sun is out today! It's chilly and windy, but not too much of either, just refreshing. Got to work a little early today, I've got my coffee and the last few pages I've read in Joyce Carol Oates' memoir A Widow's Story swirling around in my head.

I've been thinking more about ambitions. I had a funky day yesterday, and I know that it's tied directly to my feeling stuck - in my career and financial situations. My horoscope today said that I can't logistically follow every ambition I have, so I should ruminate before choosing the one I actually want. Funny how those things can be spot on sometimes.

So today, rather than choosing which path to follow, I want to lay them all out, like clothes on a bed, just to see what they look like:

• Bakery owner. I want to make semi-healthy treats that people can enjoy on a rainy day, a sunny day in the park, or at a holiday celebration. I love experimenting with sweets, and I'd love to be able to do that for a living.
• English and Literature teacher. I studied Writing, Literature, and Publishing, and reading/writing fiction will always be my main passion. I've said before that my dream job is any job where I can read and talk about what I've read. I'd be so down to be that nerdy teacher who gushes about books.
• Librarian. Eeeee! This one reflects that last one as well, especially since I'd love to be a librarian in a school, however sparse these job opportunities are these days. Perhaps I'm romanticizing, but I'd love to be a part of kids' experience with books.
• Fiction Editor. Whether at a literary magazine or at a publishing company, the idea of reading new writers' work and fighting for their publication or sending them feedback, the thought makes my ginny tickle. TMI?

Well, that's it for now. I just have to work on getting that pared down a bit. And there's my ongoing side-career of writing fiction that goes hand-in-hand with whatever I decide to do.

What does your list look like? Or, if you already have your dream job, what is it/what's your secret?